Need sex. Gaining weight.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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