you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
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