is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
