sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
