He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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