According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
