I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He shit in the fireplace
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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