so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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