I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
