my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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