I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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