I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
