He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
When are your genitals available?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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