I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
