Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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