I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
