Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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