is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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