my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
