All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
