party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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