The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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