After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
