The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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