She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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