I am puke
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We talked him into tasing himself.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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