i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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