what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
