did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
