so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
