history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
