remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
