his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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