i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
