Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
