Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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