im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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