i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
