For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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