Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
