my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
