Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
