Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
