When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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