My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
