Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
