I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
