matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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