super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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