Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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