guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize