Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
