today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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