I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Found the puke drawer
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
