I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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