Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
